by Krisseah Keah Hilay
I closed my eyes as the strong rush of wind hit my face, evaporating the tears that had escaped.
“Lugar lang!” someone from inside the jeepney shouted.
I braced myself, waiting for the brakes, my knuckles white as I clutched the iron bar at my side. This was the only downside of riding on the roof of a jeepney: the momentum was greater and the wind openly crashed against my body.
I looked up, taking in the unfamiliar place where the jeepney had stopped. A display of various vegetables was arrayed on the sidewalk, and a few people chattering could be heard. The mountain peak cast a shadow over the small town. The dirt road became narrower as we continued on our journey.
This was far from home, far from the place where I was predestined to be, and far from the comfort I was used to. And yet, I still wanted to go far, far away from the same air I used to smell, from the same roads I used to walk, and from who I used to be.
My heart drummed louder and louder as we trailed down the rocky path, heading to an uncharted place opposite of where society expected me to arrive. The mix of ecstasy and fear filled me, and excitement and agitation conquered my emotions. What could possibly happen to me? I was confident that I would survive, even when alone and delving into all the strangeness.
As the jeepney came to a halt, my life before this fateful ride flashed before my eyes. I had always been the gifted child, carrying the weight of my medals and trophies that calloused the back of my neck, giving the semblance that it strengthened me from its burden. But I was wrong; I was weak. It was a ticking bomb waiting to explode. I had filled my ears with sweet compliments and loud applause until it deafened the inner desires I had always longed for. Things had piled up on me until it was too much to bear. I failed one of my subjects one by one, harboring judgmental and sorry glances. I knew they were disappointed, discreetly blaming anything they thought had impeded my studies.
“Ate, basaha daw ni,” a small kid wearing a dirty white shirt and an oversized skirt said, reaching her notebook up to me. I noticed that she was a student from the primary school in front of me. The premises were open, with no fences to secure the students, which seemed dangerous.
Nevertheless, I picked up the notebook and read the written text.
“Alliah B. Pietro,” I said.
Her eyes lit up, probably recognizing the name I had mentioned.
“Akong pangalan!” she beamed, thanked me, and excitedly ran to one of the classrooms, her feet covered in dust.
I released a small smile.
Walking slowly on the sidewalk with the rays of the setting sun hitting my face, I pondered more on what I really wanted to be – selfish and fulfilled or ideal and praised. Anxiety filled my mind as I thought about what made me who I am and what people would say. Was I still worthy of their respect? What about the people looking up to me?
Suddenly, I felt a pat on my back as the sun completely disappeared through the horizon.
“Salamat neng,” an old woman said as she walked towards the corner on my right, which was covered in trees and houses. I realized that all this time, she had been hiding under my shadows, protecting herself from the heat of the sun.
“Mag amping ka,” she continued without looking back.
Honestly, what happened is a bit creepy, but something sparked within me to realize that I can be someone’s reason for comfort, even unconsciously. By walking slowly, by being me, by simply existing.
I found myself crying and chuckling at the same time. I felt like I was crazy, but I just felt so happy. I couldn’t believe it only took a little journey to realize what I’ve been needing. I was immersed in chasing the wrong trajectory, and I had mistakenly ignored what truly matters to me. I am who I am, the best that I can be.
Riding the jeepney to this uncharted place meant discovering new things. I had been boxed in, but now I’m breaking through. Breaking through those past years that have staled my imagination, where my deepest passion was slumbering. Now, I am choosing myself, I am done keeping up with their standards, done enslaving myself to their whims. This is my life.
It was in plain sight until it was buried under the accolades I received. How miserable must I have been to require one jeepney ride to an unknown destination to find myself and the things that I’ve been suppressing? I realized it’s never a bad thing to stray from the common road, it’s a breath of fresh air. Although it took me a long time to find, I’m still grateful, as the journey was necessary.